How to Get Magic Powers (Without Going Broke)
1) Be involved in a nuclear spill. According to comic books, nuclear waste is not necesarilly dangerous and can often give you superpowers like being able to stretch your limbs incredibly long, turn into a rock man, be able to catch on fire and fly around. Living next to a nuclear powerplant greatly increases your chances because it allows the radiation...er...super powers to build up in your system over the years.
2) Get bit by a spider. Stan Lee does not lie. If you are bit by a radioactive spider, you will not be harmed. You may not feel too good at first but ultimately you will gain the power to climb up walls and shoot spiderwebs from your wrists.
3) Attend a school of wizardry. In schools like Hogwarts, hands-on faculty will teach you the ins and outs of casting spells that you can use at future careers. Hogwarts offers an online program for busy professionals who cannot afford to go back to school. Be warned, tuition can get a tad pricey.
4) Read a book on magic. Much like a how-to guide, books on magic like The Art of Casting Spells and Impressing the Ladies for Dummies are a treatise on developing magical powers for the do-it-yourselfers. If David Copperfield can make an airplane disappear, so can you. I mean...it does not look that hard. Right?
Other recommended readings: The Power to Levitate in 30 Days, The Guide to Invisibility for Stay at Home Moms
Also, if your parents are mutants or you have lived on Krypton for the last 12 years, you might already have powers and not even know it.